By the end of this module you will be able to
- Define PACE and name its four principles.
- Give an accurate account of where PACE comes from, including its place in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy.
- Use playful and accepting responses in everyday moments.
- Recognise when playfulness or humour would be unhelpful or unsafe.
Learn
What PACE is
PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. It describes an attitude: a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving that aims to help a child feel safe, understood and connected. It is not a script, a behaviour programme or a technique to make a child comply. The four principles work together, and most of the time you will be using more than one at once.
- Playfulness: a light, warm tone that says “I enjoy being with you”.
- Acceptance: accepting the child’s feelings, thoughts and wishes without judging them, while still guiding behaviour.
- Curiosity: wondering about what is going on underneath, without interrogating.
- Empathy: being alongside the child in a hard feeling so they are not alone with it.
Where PACE comes from
PACE was created by Dr Dan Hughes, an American clinical psychologist, as a core part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). Dr Hughes has described how, from the early 1980s, he struggled to help children who had been abused, neglected or abandoned, and how he returned to attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, to understand why many of these children found it so hard to trust their foster or adoptive parents. From the late 1980s he developed DDP as a family-based therapy for fostered and adopted children who had experienced developmental trauma.
DDP brings together attachment theory, developmental trauma, the neurobiology of trauma and caregiving, intersubjectivity (how we come to understand ourselves through our relationships with others) and child development. Recognising the vital role that adoptive parents, foster carers, relatives and residential workers play, Dr Hughes extended the approach to everyday caregiving built on PACE, often called DDP-informed parenting. The DDP Institute (DDPI) was established in 2009 to set certification standards for DDP therapists, consultants and trainers.
What this course is, and is not
This Foundation course introduces PACE for parents and carers in plain language. It is independent: it is not affiliated with or endorsed by Dr Hughes or DDPI, it is not DDP therapy, and it is not official DDP or DDP PACE training. If you would like official DDP training, look for courses listed by DDPI. Historical details in this module are drawn from the DDP Network’s published pages “Dan Hughes, Founder” and “About DDP” (ddpnetwork.org).
Playfulness
Playfulness is a light, warm, hopeful tone: a smile in your voice, a silly song, a gentle game. It can lower tension before small things become big ones, and shared fun reminds a child, and you, that the relationship is bigger than the difficult moments. Playfulness is never sarcasm or teasing, and it is never at the child’s expense.
When not to be playful
Playfulness needs a child who is calm enough and an adult who is reading them carefully. Hold back:
- When a child is very distressed, frightened or ashamed. Light-heartedness can feel as if you are not taking them seriously.
- When talking about something serious, such as an injury, a loss, a disclosure or a safety concern.
- When a child cannot tell whether you are joking. Some children, including many who have experienced trauma and some autistic children, may hear humour as mockery.
- With sarcasm, teasing about appearance, or jokes about the child’s family, history or feelings. These are never appropriate.
- When playfulness is being used to avoid a difficult feeling, yours or theirs. Return to acceptance and empathy.
- With teenagers, follow their lead. Humour they enjoy can help, but being “silly” in front of friends may feel humiliating.
Acceptance
Acceptance means accepting a child’s inner experience (their feelings, thoughts, wishes and perceptions) without judging or arguing with it. You do not have to agree that something is true, and you do not have to accept the behaviour. All feelings are okay. Not all behaviours are okay.
When a child senses that their inner world is accepted, they are less likely to conclude that they themselves are bad. This can reduce shame, which often sits underneath difficult behaviour.
- Accept the feeling: “You’re really angry that screen time is over.”
- Hold the limit: “I still can’t let you throw the tablet.”
- Don’t argue with feelings: rather than “You don’t hate your sister”, try “You’re so fed up with your sister right now.”
Key ideas
- PACE is an attitude, created by Dr Dan Hughes within DDP, not a technique.
- Playfulness as a light, warm tone, and when to hold back.
- Accepting feelings without accepting every behaviour.
- All feelings are okay. Not all behaviours are okay.
Words to try
These are examples, not scripts. Use your own words and tone.
Playful invitations (when everyone is calm enough)
- “Are these shoes planning to walk to school by themselves?”
- “Race you to the stairs, slow-motion version!”
- “Can teeth-brushing beat the egg timer tonight?”
Acceptance phrases
- “It makes sense that you feel ____.”
- “You really wish things were different.”
- “You think I’m being unfair. I can hear that.”
Accepting the feeling and holding the limit
- “You’re so cross with me. That’s okay. I won’t let you kick the door. Let’s go and stamp our feet outside instead.”
With a teenager
- “You think the rule is pointless. I get why. It’s still ten o’clock on school nights. Do you want to talk about weekends?”
Take care
- Never use humour to dismiss a feeling, and never use sarcasm. If in doubt, leave playfulness out.
An everyday example
Your child shouts “I hate you!” Instead of “Don’t you dare speak to me like that”, you might say calmly: “You’re so cross with me right now. That’s okay. I’m still here.” Later, when you are both calm, you can talk about kinder ways to say it.
The big shift
Accept the feeling; guide the behaviour.
Worked scenario
Names and details are invented. Every child is different, so treat these as illustrations, not scripts.
Home
Screen time ends
The situation: Maya, aged 7, lives with her mum. After school she has 30 minutes on the tablet.
The trigger: Mum says time is up. Maya screams “I hate you!” and throws the tablet onto the sofa.
What might the child need?
- Stopping something enjoyable can feel like a sudden loss.
- She is tired and hungry after a long school day.
- She needs help moving between activities.
- She needs to know that Mum is still there when she is cross.
A possible PACE response
- Stay calm enough: breathe out and quietly move the tablet out of reach.
- Acceptance and empathy: “You’re so cross. You really wanted to finish that level. That makes sense.”
- Limit: “Tablet time has finished for today. I won’t let things be thrown.”
- Support: “Let’s get a snack and you can tell me which level you reached.”
- Later, playfulness: “Tomorrow, shall we set the timer together, and you can be in charge of the five-minute warning?”
Safe limits that still apply
- The limit stays the same; the tone is warm.
- No shaming or long lectures. A brief, calm chat about throwing happens later.
- A related consequence, such as setting up a warning plan, teaches more than a ban.
Reflect
- What did Maya need most in the first minute?
- What could make this transition more predictable tomorrow?
Optional activity
These activities are optional. The Foundation course is self-paced online learning and does not include live classes. The activities are offered for people who choose to work through the course together, such as a parent support group, a foster carer group or a residential staff team, with one person acting as facilitator. Every activity has a solo version, so you can do the same learning on your own.
Playful or not?
Aim: To practise telling when playfulness helps and when acceptance alone is needed, and to rehearse acceptance phrases in your own words.
- Group size
- 4 to 12 people, working in pairs
- Time
- 40 minutes
Facilitator steps
- Welcome and ground rules, including how to opt out (5 minutes).
- In pairs, sort the prompt cards into three piles: “playfulness could help”, “acceptance first, no humour” and “not sure” (10 minutes).
- Choose two cards. One person plays the adult and one the child; then swap (15 minutes).
- Debrief as a whole group (10 minutes).
Role prompts
- Card 1
- A 6-year-old dawdling over putting shoes on, on a calm morning.
- Card 2
- A 14-year-old who has just been dumped by text and is crying.
- Card 3
- An 8-year-old who has spilt juice and looks frightened of being told off.
- Card 4
- Two siblings giggling and messing about at bedtime.
- Child role
- Respond as the child honestly would. If the adult’s humour feels like being laughed at, show it.
Debrief questions
- Which cards were hardest to sort, and why?
- As the child, what did playfulness feel like when it fitted, and when it did not?
- What acceptance phrase will you use this week?
Safeguarding and opting out
- Use the fictional prompts provided. Do not share real children’s names or details that could identify a child or family.
- Anyone can choose to observe instead of role-playing, or step out at any time without giving a reason.
- Playing a child can bring up memories. Offer the adult or observer roles to anyone who prefers them.
- Agree confidentiality at the start, and explain its limit: if anything suggests a child or adult is at risk, the facilitator must follow safeguarding procedures.
- The facilitator watches for distress, pauses the activity if needed, and checks in privately afterwards.
- End by signposting support: GP, NHS 111, Samaritans (116 123), or 999 in an emergency. These activities are education, not therapy.
Solo version · about 20 minutes
- Read the four cards and decide which pile each belongs in. Write one sentence explaining why.
- For each card, write what you would say.
- Say your words aloud, or record a voice note just for yourself, and listen back. Does your tone match your words?
- Note one situation in your own week where you will hold back on humour.
Try, reflect and apply
Try this week
Once a day, accept a feeling out loud: “It makes sense that you feel ____.”
Reflect
- Which feelings in your child do you find hardest to accept? Why might that be?
- When does playfulness come naturally to you, and when does it not fit?
- Write down one acceptance phrase that feels natural in your own words.
Apply it
List three situations that happen regularly in your home or setting. For each, decide whether a playful approach could help or whether acceptance alone is better, and write down the words you might use.
Write your answers in the workbook or a notebook. Your reflections stay with you; this website does not collect them.
Workbook: PDF, 39 A4 pages, about 270 KB.
These courses provide education and practical information. They are not therapy, diagnosis or a substitute for individual professional advice.