By the end of this module you will be able to
- Use “I wonder” statements to show curiosity without interrogating.
- Respond with empathy without rescuing, fixing or excusing.
- Recognise when curiosity becomes probing, and when to stop.
- Put all four PACE principles together in an everyday moment.
Learn
Curiosity
Curiosity means being genuinely interested in what might be going on inside a child (what they felt, thought or needed) without needing an answer and without deciding in advance. It is wondering, not interrogating. “Why” questions often feel like accusations, and many children honestly do not know why they did something. Wondering aloud shows a child that their behaviour can make sense and that you want to understand.
- Swap “Why did you do that?” for “I wonder if…”
- Keep your tone light and interested, not like a detective.
- Offer guesses tentatively, and accept it if you are wrong: “Maybe not. I’m still trying to understand.”
When not to probe
- When a child is in the middle of a big feeling. Calm first, wondering later.
- When they have clearly said no or shut down. Leave the door open: “We don’t have to talk now.”
- About past abuse or the details of their history. Do not dig for information; that is for trained professionals. If a child starts to tell you something worrying, listen calmly and follow safeguarding procedures (see Module 2).
- In front of others, or when it could embarrass them.
- When “curiosity” is really a telling-off in disguise. “I wonder why you thought hitting was okay?” is not curiosity.
Empathy
Empathy means feeling with your child and letting them know they are not alone in a hard feeling. It is shown more through your tone, face and presence than through clever words. Empathy is not fixing, rescuing, agreeing or excusing. You can feel genuinely sorry that something is hard and still keep a limit. Sometimes the most empathic response is quiet company.
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “No wonder you’re upset.”
- “I’m sorry that happened. I’m here.”
Curiosity about yourself
Curiosity applies to adults too. Noticing your own feelings (“I’m furious because I feel disrespected” or “I’m frightened this will go wrong”) gives you a moment to choose a response rather than react. Your own history may make some behaviours harder to stay calm with, and noticing that is part of trauma-informed care.
Putting PACE together
In real life the four principles weave together. A simple sequence many carers find helpful: notice and get calm enough yourself; wonder about what is underneath (curiosity); name the feeling without judging it (acceptance); stay with it (empathy); and, once the child is calmer, lighten the mood if it fits (playfulness).
PACE does not replace boundaries. It changes the emotional tone in which boundaries are held, which you will practise in Module 5.
Key ideas
- Using “I wonder” language instead of “why” questions.
- Empathy is being alongside, not fixing, rescuing or excusing.
- Knowing when not to probe.
- Putting PACE together in an everyday moment.
Words to try
These are examples, not scripts. Use your own words and tone.
“I wonder” starters
- “I wonder if you felt left out when…”
- “I’m wondering whether today was a tough one.”
- “You went quiet when we mentioned the weekend. I wonder if something about it is a worry.”
Wondering aloud
- Some children find direct questions too intense. You can wonder aloud to another adult, or even to the dog, within the child’s hearing: “I think Sam might be worried about tomorrow. That would make sense.”
Empathy phrases
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “No wonder you’re upset.”
- “I’d feel like that too.”
Closing the door gently
- “We don’t have to talk now. I’ll be around later if you want to.”
With a teenager
- “Rough day? You don’t have to say. Want a lift to football anyway?”
Take care
- Never use curiosity to gather evidence or to question a child about past abuse. If a child tells you something worrying, follow your safeguarding procedures.
An everyday example
Your child comes home from school and slams their bag down. Rather than “What’s wrong with you now?”, try: “I wonder if today was a tough one. It looks like you’re carrying a lot. I’m here if you want to tell me, or we can just have a snack first.”
The big shift
Wonder, don’t interrogate.
Worked scenario
Names and details are invented. Every child is different, so treat these as illustrations, not scripts.
Adoption
“You’re not my real mum”
The situation: Sam, aged 13, was adopted at 3. Lately Sam has been quiet and spending a lot of time online.
The trigger: During an argument about homework, Sam shouts: “You’re not my real mum. You can’t tell me what to do.”
What might the child need?
- Questions about identity and birth family are common in adolescence.
- Sam may be testing whether the relationship can survive anger.
- Sam may have seen or heard from birth family online.
- Sam needs to know that these questions are allowed.
A possible PACE response
- Acceptance rather than arguing about the facts: “You’re really angry with me. And it sounds like you’re thinking about your birth family. That’s okay to talk about.”
- Pause the homework battle; come back to it later.
- Curiosity, later and gently: “I wonder if you’ve been thinking about your birth mum a lot lately.”
- Empathy: “It must be confusing to have two families in your head.”
Safe limits that still apply
- Homework expectations still stand, but they are discussed when everyone is calm.
- Do not criticise Sam’s birth family.
- If there has been unplanned online contact with birth family, keep calm, keep Sam safe and contact your adoption support service for advice.
Reflect
- What feelings might sit underneath “You’re not my real mum”?
- How could you show Sam that their curiosity about their history is welcome?
Optional activity
These activities are optional. The Foundation course is self-paced online learning and does not include live classes. The activities are offered for people who choose to work through the course together, such as a parent support group, a foster carer group or a residential staff team, with one person acting as facilitator. Every activity has a solo version, so you can do the same learning on your own.
From “why” to “I wonder”
Aim: To feel, from the child’s side, the difference between being questioned and being wondered about, and to practise curiosity and empathy.
- Group size
- Groups of three (6 to 15 people in total)
- Time
- 45 minutes
Facilitator steps
- Introduce the roles and the opt-out arrangements (5 minutes).
- Round 1, two minutes: the adult tries to find out what happened using “why” questions only.
- Round 2, three minutes: the adult uses “I wonder” statements and empathy instead. The observer takes notes in both rounds.
- Swap roles so that each person can experience each role, if they wish (25 minutes in total).
- Debrief as a whole group (10 minutes).
Role prompts
- Child
- You are 10. You were sent out of class for throwing a pencil. The real reason: a classmate laughed at your shoes, which came from a charity bag. You feel embarrassed and do not want to say. Only open up if you genuinely feel safe.
- Adult
- You have had a call from school. In round 1, ask “why” questions. In round 2, wonder aloud and offer empathy; do not push for an answer.
- Observer
- Notice tone, body language and the moments when the child opened up or closed down. Share what you saw, not judgements.
Debrief questions
- What did each round feel like for the child?
- Which words or tones made the biggest difference?
- When in real life is it hardest to stop asking “why”?
Safeguarding and opting out
- Use the fictional prompts provided. Do not share real children’s names or details that could identify a child or family.
- Anyone can choose to observe instead of role-playing, or step out at any time without giving a reason.
- Playing a child can bring up memories. Offer the adult or observer roles to anyone who prefers them.
- Agree confidentiality at the start, and explain its limit: if anything suggests a child or adult is at risk, the facilitator must follow safeguarding procedures.
- The facilitator watches for distress, pauses the activity if needed, and checks in privately afterwards.
- End by signposting support: GP, NHS 111, Samaritans (116 123), or 999 in an emergency. These activities are education, not therapy.
Solo version · about 25 minutes
- Write two short versions of a conversation with the child in the prompt: one with only “why” questions, one with “I wonder” and empathy.
- Read each aloud, imagining you are the child. Note how your body feels.
- Underline the phrases that would most help the child feel safe.
- Plan one “I wonder” statement to use with your own child this week.
Try, reflect and apply
Try this week
Use one “I wonder” statement and one empathy statement each day.
Reflect
- What happened when you used “I wonder” instead of “why”?
- When do you feel the urge to fix things rather than be alongside?
- Which empathy phrases feel genuine in your own voice?
Apply it
Think of one behaviour that puzzles or frustrates you. Write three different “I wonder” guesses about what might sit underneath it. Next time it happens, try one aloud and note what happens.
Write your answers in the workbook or a notebook. Your reflections stay with you; this website does not collect them.
Workbook: PDF, 39 A4 pages, about 270 KB.
These courses provide education and practical information. They are not therapy, diagnosis or a substitute for individual professional advice.