By the end of this module you will be able to
- Explain co-regulation and use simple steps to help a child calm.
- Set limits using the sequence empathy, then limit, then support.
- Distinguish consequences that help a child learn from punishments that increase shame.
- Make a genuine repair after a rupture.
Learn
Co-regulation: borrowing your calm
Children cannot calm down on their own until they have had lots of practice calming down with someone. This is co-regulation: your child borrows your calm. Your slower voice, softer face and steady body help their alarm system settle. Teenagers still need this, even if it looks different.
- Get calm enough yourself first: breathe out slowly and drop your shoulders.
- Get low and to the side rather than standing over the child.
- Use few words and a soft, slow voice.
- Keep everyone safe: move objects or other children, or step back yourself, if needed.
- Offer, don’t force: a drink, a blanket, sitting nearby, a walk.
- Wait. Talking and learning come later.
Co-regulation that fits the child
What helps one child calm may not help another. Some want closeness; others need more space with you nearby. Offer physical comfort only when the child welcomes it, and if you are a foster carer or professional, follow your organisation’s guidance on touch. Physical intervention should only ever be used by trained staff, as set out in an organisation’s policy, as a last resort to prevent harm.
Safe boundaries
Clear, caring limits help children feel safe, because they show that an adult is in charge of keeping everyone safe. Keep limits few, clear and predictable, focus on safety, and offer choices within the limit. The order matters: empathy, then limit, then support.
- Empathy: “You really want to stay up.”
- Limit: “It’s bedtime now.”
- Support: “Shall I carry you up like a sack of potatoes, or shall we hop?”
Consequences that teach
Consequences can help a child learn when they are linked to what happened, proportionate, and given calmly once everyone is regulated. Helping to tidy up what was thrown, or making amends, often teaches more than punishments that cause shame or isolation. Never withhold food, sleep or time with people who matter as a punishment. For children in care, some sanctions are not permitted at all, so follow your service’s behaviour policy.
Repair after rupture
No parent or carer gets it right every time. Repair means coming back after a rupture (a shout, a misunderstanding, a broken promise) to reconnect. It teaches children that relationships can survive hard moments. Repair is the adult’s responsibility: do not wait for the child to apologise first.
- Calm yourself first.
- Go back to the child.
- Name what happened briefly and take responsibility for your part.
- Reassure them that it was not their fault (where that is true) and that the relationship is okay.
- Reconnect: a hug if it is welcome, a snack, a game.
- If it helps, think together about what might help next time.
Key ideas
- Borrowing your calm: steps for when your child is overwhelmed.
- Empathy, then limit, then support.
- Consequences that teach, not shame.
- Repair: coming back and reconnecting after a rupture.
Words to try
These are examples, not scripts. Use your own words and tone.
Calming words
- “I’m here. You’re safe. I’m not going anywhere.”
- “Let’s breathe out together, like blowing out birthday candles.”
Empathy, limit, support
- “You’re so angry (empathy). I won’t let you hit your brother (limit). Come and squeeze this cushion with me (support).”
Choices within a limit
- “It’s time to get out of the bath. Do you want the blue towel or the dinosaur one?”
Repair
- “I shouted earlier. That wasn’t okay, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry. Can we have a hug?”
- With a teenager: “I was out of order last night. I was stressed and took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
Take care
- If a child’s distress is frequent or severe, or puts anyone at risk, seek advice from your GP, the child’s social worker or your support service.
An everyday example
Your child is screaming on the supermarket floor. You crouch down, speak slowly and quietly, keep them safe, and save the talking for later. At home, once you are both calm, you reconnect and talk briefly about what happened.
The big shift
Calm first, words later.
Worked scenario
Names and details are invented. Every child is different, so treat these as illustrations, not scripts.
Residential care
After a cancelled phone call
The situation: Jordan, aged 15, lives in a children’s home. A planned phone call with his dad does not happen. His key worker’s shift ends in 30 minutes.
The trigger: Jordan swears at staff, kicks his bedroom door and shouts that nobody cares.
What might the child need?
- Disappointment, rejection and possibly shame.
- His trusted adult is about to leave, and endings can feel like abandonment.
- He needs adults who stay calm and do not take the swearing personally.
- He needs to know what will happen next.
A possible PACE response
- One familiar adult stays nearby at a safe distance, with few words: “That call didn’t happen. That’s really hard. I’m staying right here.”
- Leave the swearing for later; safety comes first.
- Before leaving, the key worker says honestly: “My shift finishes at three. Sam is on tonight and knows what happened. I’m back on Thursday and I’ll come and find you.”
- Later, with the next staff member, curiosity and repair: “I wonder if it felt like your dad let you down again.”
Safe limits that still apply
- Keep Jordan, other young people and staff safe, following the home’s behaviour and physical intervention policies.
- No personal phone numbers or promises that cannot be kept.
- Record and report as required, and share a feelings-focused handover with the next shift and Jordan’s social worker.
Reflect
- How can a team make sure Jordan experiences the same calm response from every shift?
- What might help Jordan prepare for future calls that may not happen?
Optional activity
These activities are optional. The Foundation course is self-paced online learning and does not include live classes. The activities are offered for people who choose to work through the course together, such as a parent support group, a foster carer group or a residential staff team, with one person acting as facilitator. Every activity has a solo version, so you can do the same learning on your own.
Repair, and a consistent response
Aim: To practise making a short, genuine repair, and to agree how adults who share a child’s care will respond consistently to one recurring situation.
- Group size
- 4 to 16 people, in pairs then small groups of carers or colleagues who share care
- Time
- 50 minutes
Facilitator steps
- Welcome, ground rules and opt-out (5 minutes).
- In pairs, choose a repair card. The adult practises a repair using the steps in Module 5; the child responds honestly. Swap (15 minutes).
- In small groups, choose one situation that happens often. Agree an “empathy, limit, support” response everyone will use, and write a short handover note (20 minutes).
- Share plans and debrief (10 minutes).
Role prompts
- Repair card A (home)
- This morning you shouted at your 9-year-old for being slow and said, “You always make us late.” It is now after school.
- Repair card B (residential)
- On a busy shift you told a 14-year-old you would play pool after tea, then forgot. He is now refusing to speak to you.
- Child role
- You felt hurt and have been quiet all day. Respond honestly. You may not be ready for a hug, and that is okay.
Debrief questions
- What made a repair feel genuine rather than rushed?
- As the child, what helped you feel the relationship was okay?
- How will your consistent response be shared with everyone involved, including new staff or relief carers?
Safeguarding and opting out
- Use the fictional prompts provided. Do not share real children’s names or details that could identify a child or family.
- Anyone can choose to observe instead of role-playing, or step out at any time without giving a reason.
- Playing a child can bring up memories. Offer the adult or observer roles to anyone who prefers them.
- Agree confidentiality at the start, and explain its limit: if anything suggests a child or adult is at risk, the facilitator must follow safeguarding procedures.
- The facilitator watches for distress, pauses the activity if needed, and checks in privately afterwards.
- End by signposting support: GP, NHS 111, Samaritans (116 123), or 999 in an emergency. These activities are education, not therapy.
Solo version · about 25 minutes
- Think of a real or imagined moment when an adult got it wrong with a child. Write a repair using the Module 5 steps.
- Practise saying it aloud until it sounds like you.
- Choose one recurring situation and write an “empathy, limit, support” response.
- If you share care with anyone (a partner, co-carer or team), write a short note so they can respond the same way.
Try, reflect and apply
Try this week
Practise one calm-down moment, and one repair if something goes wrong.
Reflect
- What helps you get “calm enough” in a hard moment?
- What helped your child calm this week? What didn’t?
- How did your child respond to a repair?
Apply it
Write a short calm-down plan for yourself: three signs that you are getting overwhelmed, two things that help you get calm enough, and one repair phrase in your own words.
Write your answers in the workbook or a notebook. Your reflections stay with you; this website does not collect them.
Workbook: PDF, 39 A4 pages, about 270 KB.
These courses provide education and practical information. They are not therapy, diagnosis or a substitute for individual professional advice.